As we approach the holidays and the end of 2021, life seems to be shifting and transforming at a rapid pace. I find myself approaching and stepping into big changes in my own life - including starting this practice - and I notice myself experiencing waves of paradoxical emotions… excitement and mourning, pride and fear, anxiety and assurance, inspiration and exhaustion...

I find there is something oddly beautiful and wise in these seemingly contradictory feelings arising. For me, these emotions feel like sacred teachers, inviting me to fully feel and savor and know this moment in my life. They are preparing me for what’s to come, and reminding me of what I have learned so far.

Somewhere I heard that paradox arises the closer we are to Truth - and that feels right.

I’m not quite sure how much I want to share here about my own experience, but the journey that I took to get to this moment in my life has not been an easy, linear, or expected one. It feels so emotional for me to be actualizing my vision - truly creating what I sought out to create and seeing it start to happen IRL.

In some ways, I feel a sense of mourning for the past version of myself that suffered and struggled so much in addiction, unawareness, trauma, compulsiveness… in the rawness of early recovery… through the discomfort and pain and confusion of becoming. I cry for her. And I am so grateful for her. Today, as I witness myself becoming a person I am proud of - I see that I stand upon her shoulders. And that mourning I felt leads me ever so unexpectedly towards deep gratitude, excitement, and a new and unending joy.

I notice similar experiences with my clients - a paradoxical mix of emotions during pivotal moments:

a new pregnancy, a new marriage, a big career or relationship shift, newfound sobriety, reaching a personal milestone, or even after experiencing a big shift in their relationship with Self.

So often the rational mind convinces you to be afraid of the seemingly messy mix of emotions (“Why don’t I just feel happy??”) - but my sense is that the mixture of emotion you’re getting is exactly what you need - personally gifted to you - to help yourself heal, know, savor and grow into this moment. If only you can let yourself feel it.

So, find a safe, comfy space with candles and sage and blankets and a journal (I’m here now - it’s nice!). Extra points for a cuddly cat or dog or hot tea with honey. And see if you can invite yourself to feel all those feels. To be with the wild, magical, painful, tragic moment that we are in. Write. And breathe. Feel. And move. Or be so so still.

You are alive, in this moment.

What a wild, magical, painful, tragic thing it is.